“My eyes would swim in my head, and the whole world grow dark before me, so that I felt half out of my mind.”
It’s one of the nights again, the dreaded ones. The one night that happens occasionally but doesn’t happen enough to make you feel mentally prepared to go through it but is also not a surprise so you know that it’s going to happen. I’m not sure if that made any sense but let us continue anyways. It’s 3:00 a.m. (a sign a night like this will occur), you can’t really sleep but you are tired. You’ve cried over something very small and insignificant but somehow it has made you think about your entire life. You fall into a mini crisis of what you’ve been doing and bam sooner or later it’s even later and you’re fighting off tears and in one of those gross, sappy moods that make you want to hug your dog or something weird and affectionate. What? Only me. Okay whatever, moving on. This entire week has been a mess. By mess, I mean perfectly fine but for some reason I’m in one of my moods that I can’t shake off and it’s stressing me out. Usually, my stages of depression can vary and I can typically shake them off in a couple of days. The occasionally “week long mess of a human being/what are you doing with your life/ lets think about a lot of repressed things you never actually acknowledge/ lets get very insecure about everything” mood hasn’t happened in a while but it hit me this week. I’m not necessarily sad or very emotionally damaged but I’ve been exhibiting the key signs I’ve memorized in my brain just in case this situation pops up. Sign 1. noticing I’ve only loaded up on junk food and nothing else, 2. thinking I’m eating too much but in reality it’s just junk food replacing regular meals, 3. not caring about what I eat anymore because it doesn’t matter now that I have no motivation to get out of bed, sign 4. the weird mix of sleeping too much and not being able to sleep at all, 5. the not getting out of bed/not leaving the house/ literally doing anything to get out of socializing (well I tend to do this anyways but you know it’s bad when I turn off my phone- I love the internet), 6. panic attack- lots of them (I’m tired of counting so I’ll just continue), mini crises, not enough showering to too many showers in one day, the crying over small things that really shouldn’t make me break down, not caring to clean to over cleaning way too much (see the pattern, I can’t find an in-between )and finally the one sign that actually makes me want to get my shit together. When I haven’t had any water and the cup is literally right on my desk, directly next to my bed and I ultimately end up not getting it. This small, pathetic sign is me losing hope. I know, this all sounds ridiculous but after so many screw-ups, I like to know myself during any situation. I kind of think I know what may have caused me to spiral a bit. I have coaches right. And they’re honestly some of the most interesting and enlightening people I’ve gotten to know. I guess it’s their job but they’ve helped me talk about things I really never talk about. Even got me to talk about long term goals. Let me talk about the “I think about death everyday” situation and helped me forget. I guess while talking to them I forgot how I really am and digging up repressed issues really got to me, I’m not going to lie. It’s funny how I really don’t want to be going through this right now but the one advice that stuck with me from one of my coaches was that I had to go through it to get over it. That seems like a given but if you knew me, I’m the most stubborn, prideful (sometimes), and most fearful of feeling and accepting certain emotions and thoughts. I’ll do anything not to feel or go through something that’s already happened and I’ll end up repressing it (a pretty big problem I have). It doesn’t help that I’m a smart ass and know how to fix most of my problems but in the end nothing happens and I remain hopeless. My brain is already thinking of ways to solve everything and sometimes it’s a lot so I get frustrated. I see my coaches and I honestly look up to them. This is something that rarely happens for me. My lack of connection with other humans sometimes doesn’t allow me to really feel admiration of any kind. It can get sad and you end up feeling like a bad guy. These people are brutally honest with me and can point out I have “bad guy” tendencies but they also tell me that doesn’t mean I am one at heart. Anyways, this week has been a rough one and I’m not sure if I want to hysterically cry after this or go to bed, it’ll probably be both who am I kidding. But according to my coach that is okay. Having intense emotions and exhibiting them (safely duh) can be much better than holding them in and getting into a heated fist fight, trying to get them to calm down and stuffing into the smallest, most cramped box you’ve ever seen. Weird imagery but you get what I mean.
Well, I am off because I’ve vented enough of what my brain could muster at this time of night, day? Something like that. I hope everyone had a lovely day or is having a lovely day. And with that I leave you with a pointless, rant filled, blog post and of course a quote. Night.
dysfunctionalwithasideofanxiety 
This was so very intense and real. I could relate to so much of it. Followed for sure.
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