Category: rant

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I thought about it a lot and now I’m here

Dysfunctional with a Side of Anxiety

“I usually become a ghost to those who no longer deserve my time. I’ve never seen a point in explaining my absence to someone who failed to appreciate my presence. You don’t owe any explanations to those who hurt you.” //- R.H. Sin I have a new place that you can read my stuff: obiinwrites.wordpress. It’s just a blog all to my own. It’s going to be more personal, real, and free. I just want to try to focus on my mind and who I am. I want to express myself in the realest way possible and hopefully someone can gain … Continue reading I thought about it a lot and now I’m here

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Uneasiness

Dysfunctional with a Side of Anxiety

“Look at this, it’s my bone, a tip of bone torn from its flesh, filthy, filled up with woes, it’s the days of our lives sticking out, a blunt bone bleached by the rain. There’s no shine to it, innocent, stupidly white, absorbing the rain, blown back by the wind, just barely reflecting the sky.” -N. C. Something is off. There’s an uneasiness in the room that makes my stomach turn. Something is definitely not right. There’s a looming sense of dread in every breath I take. The air is filled with a toxicity like no other. There’s a constant, … Continue reading Uneasiness

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I’m loved, so why?

Dysfunctional with a Side of Anxiety

I’m loved. I’m loved. So why? I’m loved, I’m loved! So why? Why is it dark and empty. Why do I feel like I can’t breathe. What is this feeling? My mind is blank and everything feels heavy. My mind is clouded. I feel like my heart is being ripped apart. No, my entire chest. Like there’s an earthquake in my body and my ribs are slowly falling. Breaking apart, one by one they suffocate my lungs. All the wind is being sucked out of me. All I can feel are the hot tears running down my face. This is … Continue reading I’m loved, so why?

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These are all for you

Dysfunctional with a Side of Anxiety

“Now I would never diss my own momma just to get recognition Take a second to listen for who you think this record is dissing But put yourself in my position, just try to envision Witnessing your momma popping prescription pills in the kitchen Bitching that someone’s always going through her purse and shit’s missing…” I can’t even look at you right now. I feel like I’ve grown and I’m better. I’m amazing, doing everything I said I would by the book. But does that change anything? My version of me can’t coexist with the version of you right now. … Continue reading These are all for you

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Now What?

Dysfunctional with a Side of Anxiety

I promised myself I would not fall in love. My High School graduation was the deadline of a relationship of one of the first people I had fallen for. He moved to Maryland and he did not want to do long distance so we decided on a deadline. Our deadline was June 10, 2016, the day of our high school graduation because on the day after he and his family prepared to PCS, permanent change of station, to a new state. It took a while to heal. I estimated about six months before I fully was able to let my … Continue reading Now What?

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For you

Dysfunctional with a Side of Anxiety

I wish I could tell you these things but I know I never will. It hurts me when you point how I was in the past, when in the present I’m trying to help you. Shooting down my every opinion and acting the equivalent of a five year old plugging their ears and yelling whenever I’m near you. I’ve found these new ways to become a better person and I only share these thoughts to try and help you find some kind of happiness. It’s like your brain refuses to hear me out because you already have a preconceived idea … Continue reading For you

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Half out of my mind

Dysfunctional with a Side of Anxiety

“My eyes would swim in my head, and the whole world grow dark before me, so that I felt half out of my mind.” It’s one of the nights again, the dreaded ones. The one night that happens occasionally but doesn’t happen enough to make you feel mentally prepared to go through it but is also not a surprise so you know that it’s going to happen. I’m not sure if that made any sense but let us continue anyways. It’s 3:00 a.m. (a sign a night like this will occur), you can’t really sleep but you are tired. You’ve … Continue reading Half out of my mind

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It’s just a wave

Dysfunctional with a Side of Anxiety

It’s 2 am, I have a pizza slice in one hand and I’m sloppily trying to type with the other. I can already tell that this is going to be an interesting blog post.  Today was very strange (to me at least), it was also filled with a roller coaster of emotions. This entire week has been a rough one for me. I don’t know if I mentioned this before (I don’t think I need to honestly, I’m sure most can get the hint) but I constantly have thoughts about dying- killing myself to be more exact.  (Not to sound … Continue reading It’s just a wave

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I shall become nothing, the wind, the sky

Dysfunctional with a Side of Anxiety

“As long as I can make them laugh, it doesn’t matter how, I’ll be alright. If I succeed in that, the human beings probably won’t mind it too much if I remain outside their lives. The one thing I must avoid is becoming offensive in their eyes: I shall be nothing, the wind, the sky.” The wind and sky, I’ve never thought of nothingness like that. This is  going to be another depressing rant so if you’re not into that then woops. If this is future me looking back on the past, hey you’re annoying and alive? (joke haha). Let … Continue reading I shall become nothing, the wind, the sky

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Reality is a Bitter Pill to Swallow

Dysfunctional with a Side of Anxiety

It has been almost six months since I started therapy and started taking Zoloft. For the most part, I see tremendous progress, and I no longer feel anxiety even though I still have the thoughts looming over. Today’s session left me in a huge panic, though. I have this never ending streak of therapists, teachers, (hell, even my own mother) and peers that always doubts me and expects the worse of every decision I make. Today was definitely no exception. When I told my therapist what has been happening, she had this look on her face I couldn’t quite shake … Continue reading Reality is a Bitter Pill to Swallow